Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
