So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
