I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
