Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
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oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
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Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."