how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
