Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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