my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
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i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
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hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash