You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?