I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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