I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I currently don't understand fingers.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
