Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
