Where did you get a picture of my penis
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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