Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
