I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize