Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
