Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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