i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
