My room smells like vodka and shame
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
