Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
