I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
