You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
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I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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