dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
