I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
