i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
