Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
