I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
