She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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