I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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