I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize