Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
