Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
me + whiskey = a bad person
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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