life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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