My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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