its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
