I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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