How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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