saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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