I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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