Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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