There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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