Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
