i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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