Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
