Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You ruined the universe
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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