This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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