you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
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