I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
