then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
