I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm passing your future prison.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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