The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
