I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
