he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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