My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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