One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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