Don't you send me to vm
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
