hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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