So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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