Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you would pick up someone in the library
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Every concussion has its silver lining
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
