I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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