i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
