Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
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